Target Audience: Men who are in their mid 20s, are interested in women, are getting ready to host one in their home, and normally spend their evenings playing my roommate’s copy of a Batman video game because I won’t pay $40 for something I only use for one week.

Some tips for getting your house ready:

  • Leave the toy helicopter in the drawer. Your man friends all probably find this fascinating, and will play with it for hours on end, but to the ladies, you may as well have pulled out your baby tooth collection.
  • If it is around Halloween, don’t worry about cleaning up those cobwebs. They are “good decorations”.
  • 15 minutes before she comes over, don’t drop a wine glass, attempt to catch it, spear the webbing between your thumb and forefinger and get blood and broken glass all over your kitchen floor.
  • Clean well, but don’t overdo it. There is “clean” and then there is “creepy clean”. Leave a few cheetos between the couch cushions.
  • Buy an acoustic guitar and leave it propped up against the couch, even if you don’t play. This will make you look sensitive.
  • Leave a few books lying around with bookmarks in random places. Minimum of 300 pages, with no pictures on the cover. This will make you look educated. Leaving a chess set out, with a game “in progress”, would have a similar effect.
  • Hang a map of a foreign country no one cares about on your wall. For example, Nepal. Then, memorize one fact about it (“Last year, they became a republic after 239 years of monarchy”). Practice staring longingly at it with a drink in your hand, as if you are reminiscing about an extended vacation there. This will make you look cultured.
  • Have an obscure wine on hand. Complement its “rustic, venison-like piercing” with “flashes of boysenberry”. This will make you look refined. Follow this up with a comment on sports so that you don’t appear snobby.
  • Try to limit the time spent discussing your latest tweets.
  • Keep the discussion away from any conspiracy theories you might subscribe to. For one night, pretend the moon landings were real.
Posted Fri 30 October 2009